I Hate Thinking..

So on my 1 hour drives home form work, I often to a bit of thinking and a lot of cussing and experience some numbness and tingling in my left foot....but anyway today's thoughts were related to the recent loss of my friends Ben and Brad who's father died unexpectedly.
I began to think of how I would feel if I lost my dad right now...and I decided it would suck ass because I'm just getting to know him and I still have so many questions left to ask, and people I want him to meet, and stories to tell him.
Then I thought, ya never know when you last day will be so better live your life to the fullest with no regrets make sure everyone you love knows you love them and if you hate some people tell them too!
Basically I've decided to no longer associate with people I don't care about or who don't care about me, or who make me upset, or who put me in a bad mood, or otherwise waste my precious time (and I mean that in the non-bitchiest way possible) because what's the point...I have lots of things I want to accomplish, and things that I have yet to see, I know I have lots of love to give and laughter to share and who knows how much longer I'll (or any of us for that matter) will have to just do....so no more words, actions only. No more "I want to do..." more "I am doing" no more "I don't know maybes" more "I want this and I'm going to do it" .
I know it's all a bit morbid, but it's reality... and I was in need of a reality check.

So in the spirit of "actions speak louder than words"... I have:
1. bought a chi.... something I have been talking about doing for 7 months
2. found and will purchase tomorrow a GPS system for running
3. bought the paint to decorate my bathroom
4. painted the kitchen
5. got up early to exercise before work
6. called my sisters and told them i loved them
7. tomorrow will call the Dad's as it is wayyy past their bedtimes, but considering an I love you email.
8. erased a few more numbers from the phone
9. took a step in the right direction
10. bought extra shoe storage
11. opened a savings account and put $1500 in it
12. $1000 away from paying off my credit card
13. organized my finances- 401k, Roth IRA, will speak with dad about further investments and a Money Market Account
14. Figured out the Metro route to work in case I decide to sell my car
15. said No, because I did not in fact want to do what was asked, and felt no reason to be nice "just because"
16. Started Over

Let the Donuts Be Your Guide....

Well, went to the Chicago/Orlando b-ball game tonite. I drank a bit of the "wodka" before I went and then proceeded to eat nachos and a hot dog and have a cranberry and wodka....I was a bit inebriated and obviously not paying attention to the actually game as I arrived at halftime!
However, upon traveling to the game, I smelled fresh donuts...umm umm good then saw the bright lights of the United Center.
Upon leaving the game, a bit tipsy and very tired..I followed the crowd, not paying attention to any street signs along the way..just a follower among the rest of the sheep.
I then dialed Foley for a bit of direction help but to no avail...so I wung it.
Shannon felt we should go one way and I felt we should go another, so we went my way...about 10 minutes later we smelled donuts....we knew we were headed in the right direction!....it's sad but true...follow your nose, it always knows!
So we get to the L...and get on the green immediately followed by the brown and proceed to pass out on the L...luckily we each woke up periodically and did not end up missing our stop.
Then when I got home I chugged some water...(which I'm still chugging) and realized I had an IM from Kraus...which made me smile, so I talked to him a bit about the Boards and the importance of him moving to Chicago!
I then decided to write this blog so as not to forget the day that donuts got Shannon and I back home...

Chicago Boys

I have decided that the straight boys in my neighborhood fall into 1 of 4 categories.
1. "The Hoodie Boys"- They typically wear hoodies, Cubs, Bears, or Sox memorabilia, jeans that are on the baggier side, tennis shoes or some modification there of and occasionally sweat pants and baseball caps or some sorta "i just woke up and no I didnt brush my hair" thing.-
2. "The Pretty Boys aka MetroSexual"- These guys wear their dress shirts tucked into their tight-fitting -"yes we know your ass is hot"- designer jeans. They are often sporting very trendy shoes, Diesel-esque, and have more product in their hair than Christina Aquilera. These boys have highlights, freshly coiffed manes, and occasionally jewelry.
3. "The Comfy Boys with a Sense of Style"- These guys are the perfect combination of boys 1 and 2 and have obviously had some help from a girlfriend, sister, female best friend, or gay guy. These guys wear dress shirts untucked with designer jeans on occasion, but often just sport the latest Gap, H&M etc jeans. These guys wear an adequate amount of hair product, generally Crew or some other sort of pomade. Usually not donning highlights in all seasons, but may add a few in the summer months. If these guys wear a blazer, the collars are down, unlike the Metrosexuals. These guys sport more trendy Euro-inspired hair styles like the Modified Mohawk which is currently in style.
4. "The Wierdo"- these are the PUnK rOcKeR's with the 6 inch high mohawks, leather jackets, chains etc...nothing else needs to be said.

Oh and on another happy note, I bought 2 new pairs of shoes today!!!....I'm gonna re-count the shoes post-boards to calculate the stress related shoe purchases!!

Chicago is a Giant Melting Pot

First of all let's just talk about the 8# bag of Haribo Gummi Bears I bought from World Market today....let's take a moment to celebrate the sugar................................................................
So studying is finally starting to wind down...thank God, I'm dying and I'm starting to hate bagels, hazelnut coffee, and classic garden salad with asian sesame dressing on the side (I'm not normally one of those "but on the side" When Harry Met Sally girl's but this is a special situation).
Whilst I was studying I noticed this cute guy who was appropriately dressed for a Saturday morning study at Panera, who appeared to not be gay...a rarity, who threw me a smile...I threw a smile back...it was a good conversation....a bit later I noticed he was a dentist, uh huh yup, and he was studying Pediatric Dentistry, which guys who want to work with kids always adorable...then Shannon came over and I filled her in on my find to which she replied "you gotta be kidding me" and started to crack up laughing. Then of course a couple of cute kids ran by the 3 of us and he smiled and winked at the little kids and Shannon and I did the silent, consecutive "awww" in our head.
Later a table of early 20 somethings came in and were discussing their 'relationships'...they were a bit annoying but the best line from that group was "well I wouldnt say he's my boyfriend, but we are dating sorta...or talking, I dunno, but I'm talking to this other guy with a shaved head, but no completely shaved there's a little hair, and I think I probably want to date him, but I dunno.".....nothing like a decisive bunch of girls....
And then there are the gay guys. The gay men of Chicago come in different shapes and sizes...no pun intended..but my favorite are the older gay guys who come into Panera in groups of 3 or 4. They are generally dressed very nicely in vivid colors with accessories ranging from fancy hats, to stylish scarves, man bags, or my recent favorite a wooden cane. They older gay guys sit and talk about some relevant or at least enticing issue, for about an hour or so then move along to who knows where. Today the topic of conversation was this particular man's dislike of the "new gay" male...basically he despised the heroine-chic, uber-bitchy, ultra-fem gay "male". Also he mentioned that he and his boyfriend Peter were going to go see the new Johnny Depp movie Libertine...(note to self check out new Johnny Depp film)...obviously I was really into my studying. Oh and I'm loving that the Mohawk is back...I am a fan.
The Lesbians: 3 categories- Manly- potbellies, workmen pants, men's belt buckles, boots, Quiet and Cutesy-not sure they were lesbians until you realized you had been renting movies for free for the last 3 visits to Hollywood Video, Scary Goth- they also are a fan of the Mohawk. Oh and apparently there is another category who write on the bathroom walls at Borders "Long Live the Dykes" and "2 Pussies Don't Stick"...I'm not exactly sure what that last one even means, it that supposed to be a good thing.
I realized why studying/zoning out at Borders that although I listen to music all day, I'm not really listening to what is being said...the John Mayer song "Love Song For No One" came on my Ipod and I actually listened to the lyrics...it's perfectly describes my current mind set. It's my new favorite song of the day...It's my "I'm getting ready to pass my boards dammit bring on the boys" song.
Also on the fabulous purchases of the day list are the Curious George Soundtrack, Dane Cook double disc with some extra video footage, Along Came Polly DVD, crepe mix, and lemon curd....I was in a mood to buy things, I can't really justify these purchases ....I'm in an interesting mood. I don't care about much of anything, I'm worn out mentally and so tired of thinking about every thing I'm just ready to start "fun" part of my Chicago life.....In general, I'm a very patient person, I'm just all out of it at the moment.

I heart my Job!

All I have to say is speaking Spanish all day, laughing at my boss who pulled up his pants over his belly button and assumed the Steve Urkel posture...all with a straight face, and being surrounded by people that keep saying..'don't leave us' 'we love having you here' 'you always have such a pretty smile on your face'...It's Fabulous! One More WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not my week...granted it is only Wednesday

I would venture to say that this is by far one of the more stressful time periods in my life. Just moved to a new city (which I love), started a new job (which I love) I have a roomie again (who I love, but it is always a transformation going from no roomie to roomie) studying for the board exams which are in 13 days (which I am deathly afraid of)having some boy issues (which I can't fix and has a 50/50 chance of ending badly) I can't sleep (hence why i've been up since 2 am trying to fall back asleep and it's now 4) my stomach hurts 75% of the day (which can no longer be associated to copious amounts of hot foods as I gave hot food up for Lent, but may be due to the lack of sleep, studying and boy issues) and the icing on the cake is despite the fact that I erased Nate's number from my phone 2 months ago this did not really erase him...and since I erased the number, I also did not know that it was him calling me at 3:30, as I never memorized his number....so needless to say, there's no way I'm falling asleep now. I feel like a clinically insane person right now and it's like some wierd accomplishment if I actually go 24 hours without crying or byperventilating or getting a pulsing debilitating headache...all things which inhibit studying which in turn make me more stressed leads to no sleeping yadda yadda ya, vicious cycle. The only thing that I can control in this list of stressors is the Nate factor...I have to get my number changed...which sucks because I've had that phone number since I was like 18, I like the number, everybody knows it...but a Chicago number wont be so terrible and anything is better than having the conversation I just had.....here's a bit of a summary:

"Amber, is that you?"
"Well Nate you called me so I assume that yes it is in fact me."
"I can't believe you are still awake and that you answered, wow isn't like late in Chicago it's like 1:30 there right?"
"No Nate it's like 3:30."
"Woah, then it's like 12:30 here."
"No it's like 1:30 there...because California is 2 hours behind Chicago."
"Well I'm just calling to see if you are sober?"
"Of course I'm sober, why wouldnt I be sober?"
"Well you have been known to drink Amber, it wouldnt be a wierd thing that you were drunk." "Well are you sober Nate?"
"Well I'm not drunk if that's what you mean."
"Well you don't sound sober that's for sure."
"You don't know what I sound like drunk."
"Oh yes, actually I do, I am very well aware, and you are slurring the ends of all your words." "Well I had a few drinks earlier today, but I'm not drunk, I havent had any drinks since this afternoon, I'm just out late because I had to drive people home..it's not my fault, I was dragged out really."
"Right, it's never your fault Nate, sure you're slurring your words from drinks this afternoon, makes sense...I thought you didnt drink anymore?"
"I don't drink anymore, I only drank today because some Marines, my Marines, are going to Iraq tomorrow and they were like Lt. Cokley come drink with us..I mean what am I supposed to do in that situation, tell them no, or go out and drink a fucking glass of ice water Amber...I don't think so...so I had few drinks with them."
"What you are supposed to say is 'I'm sorry, I can't, because I'm a raging alcoholic.' And you say this was this afternoon? You work in the afternoon?"
"Well no, it was this evening, I may have had a few shots while I was waiting to pick up some people, I'm like 95% sober though."
"So you are drunk driving?"
"Nooo."
"So when are you getting married?"
"Why did you have to bring that up?"
"Because as I recall you promised your fiance that you wouldnt talk to any of your ex-gf's and I definately qualify."
"Well I know, and I'm breaking that promise but I'm not getting married for another 2-3 months...there's all this planning, because the wedding is in Mexico...our wedding was going to be in Mexico, remember?"
"No Nate, I don't remember, as I don't think about these things."
"Well I just wanted to call and say that I love you and that I miss you and I hope all is well in Chicago and that you are happy, because you deserve to be happy, because you are beautiful and smart. Amber you are so smart and beautiful and self-sufficient."
"Self-sufficient?"
"Yes, if you ever need me just call because I am here for you and I love you, not that you will because you are so self-sufficient, you aren't one of those needy girls, that's one of the things I love about you. I don't know the last time you called me."
"That would be about 1.5 years ago Nate, because we broke up and you're an asshole remember."
"I know, but I've changed and I love you and I love your family..I love your dad and your whatya call it..step-mom and your little cousins Jalen and Jasmine."
"They are my sisters Nate, not my cousins."
"They are your sisters?"
"Yes as they are the children of my father."
"Oh yeah, well I love them too and I miss them too, that Jalen really like me and your Dad likes me too,I know that's important to you. I hope all your family that I met is doing well and even the crazy ones, I hope everything is great with them to. And I hope they know I still love you and I would do anything for you."
"Who are you marrying, you never said?"
"Amber I don't want to answer that question." "
Well i'm offended for your fiance, is it Laurie, or Blanka, or maybe the stripper, or the other Blanca, or some Mexican chick?"
"Ella es una Espanola."
"So Blanka, Blanca or Laurie?"
"Laurie...no you think that crazy Argentinian would come here to marry me?"
"I don't think about anything in regard to you Nate, however, I do believe someone would have to be crazy to marry you, so she's a good candidate."
"She's in med school in Mexico." "So Blanka?"
"Amber I don't want to answer these questions."
"Well I don't particularly want to talk to you, but I'm on the phone right now so answer the questions or leave me alone."
"It's none of those girls, just some Mexican."
"Just some Mexican...you refer to your fiance as 'just some Mexican', you said she was Spanish...Spain and Mexico are not the same."
"Well to my parents it's all the same."
"I don't really want to talk about this Amber. I love you and we have both moved on, I'm sure you have and so I'm getting married but I still love you."
"Well that's healthy, lucky her."
"Well I love you because, well who wouldn't love you, you are just so easy to love and I would do anything for you, you know that right...I would call of the wedding..I call her right now, do you want me to, just say the word and I'll just call you from now on and I'll un-fiance her...do you want me to break up with her?"
"No, why the hell would I want you to do that?"
"Because I still love you and you like to be loved, and I know it's hard for you to love people so if you are having problems moving on, you dont need to, because I'm here for you."
"It's not hard for me to love people Nate, I love people just fine, and I'm having no problems moving on...thanks for the concern, I am perfectly fine."
"Oh yeah, well I think you should date a British guy, because he would really get you and your like sarcasm and they like black girls because they have them in London and they are all sorta snobby, but in a cute way, like you."
"I'm not snobby."
"Oh yes you are, you are my little snob."
"I'm not your little anything Nate."
"How's John, you dating him yet. You always liked him. I doubt you even loved me."
"John's fine. No I'm not dating him. I did love you, I just don't happen to be very fond of you now as you were a lying, cheating, coke-addicted piece of shit."
"I was not addicted to coke Amber."
"Oh okay..I guess if your nose doesnt bleed on a regular basis, it's not an addiction, my bad."
"So what's John up to?"
"None of your business."
"Aren't you defensive, I'm just wondering how my old friends from SLU are?"
"He wasnt an old friend of yours from SLU, if he was, you would know what he was up to."
"Isn't he going to be a doctor or dentist or something smart like that."
"Dentist yes."
"How's that going?"....."Amber you're not talking, do you want me to let you go?"
"Yes please, stop calling me. Erase my number, forget I exist, please, go get married and leave me alone."
"Amber I could never forget you exist, I love you and I'm always here for you, say hi to Shannon and John for me, I hope you are happy in Chicago, and I love you."
"Goodbye Nate."
"I said I love you Amber."
"Yeah, I heard you."

So at this point I buried myself in blankets and tried to fall back asleep, this was the longest 20 min coversation....and of course, it didnt end there...he proceeded to call two more times, but now I recognize the number, so I didnt pick up...so instead he texts messages me this at 4:20 am "I will always wish u were her y I will always love you."......well lucky her and lucky me.

I'm so tired of hearing I love you....you don't know what love means!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!

And the Song of the Day is....

Green Eyes- Coldplay

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green Eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I flow
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes,
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you

Green Eyes
Green Eyes
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
......................that Chris Martin writes some amazing lyrics.

"Who's that fabulous girl in blue?....It's me, it's me!" 

High Level of Anxiety

Well my board exams are in 17 days. I had a slight anxiety attack at work today, not the full-blown hyperventilation but the slight shortness of breath, mild hyperventilation and lightheadedness followed by a headache. Out of the blue Dino was like all you alright today, because you don't seem alright. I said I'm a little stressed about the boards. He said, "are you sure that's all?" with this sorta disbelieving look and then said, "Amber never rely on someone else to bring you happiness, because people and things will inevitably disappoint you and then when you are still sad, it's no one's fault but your own, because although an outside source may have caused the initial sadness and depression, it's you who keeps you there...oh and never turn to pills, I don't mean like drugs, I mean like prozac...you don't need it..you have good smile, so smile..come on show some teeth..atta girl." It is soooo odd how appropriate this was. My eyes actually sorta started to water up and he was like "it's not like I'm saying you're sad now or anything, I'm sure it's just the boards, but maybe if you feel sad later or something..." and then he smiled. Then he told me not to come in until 11 tomorrow so I could sleep and study, because he knows I haven't been sleeping well lately..I love my boss!
So I doubt my test anxiety will get any better and I fully expect to have more anxiety attacks and random hair loss in the near future, however, I will take Dino's advice and be in control of my own happiness and rather than lower my expectations for people and things, I will keep my expectations high because I deserve the best and if my expectations aren't met, it's not my fault, because I'm fabulous!....it's a good start.

Dino's Dinner

I love my supervisor because he adores his wife (who is a hottie) and went through a lot of effort in preparation for her bday dinner. Yes this dinner required him calling me 4 times from the grocery store and twice during preparation...but that only makes it cuter! "Amber I dont know where to find minced garlic, where is minced garlic...okay I'm in produce, I see real garlic, I dont see a jar...Okay Spice World...I dont know Amber I dont see it...Oh ask an attendant in produce to help, okay hold on I'm asking...Oh, Oh I think we are in business..Okay, I'll probably be calling you back soon."....5 minutes later "Okay Amber I have two cans of stewed tomatoes here 14 oz and 28 oz...you said to get 16oz 'at least' so do i get 14 or 28...28, are you sure..you are sure...okay I'm gonna take your word for it, talk to you later."...1 hour later...okay so do I add the juice from the stewed tomatoes...I know you said to in the recipe you wrote out, but it looks like alot of juice...oh the flour will thicken it..I'm making a sauce, I know how to make sauce now...Okay I think we are in business"....10 min later "Do you think I could flavor the rice...oh put some garlic in, that's a good idea...do I just throw it in the water?...do I take it out or can we eat it?".....

Did I mention I wrapped the presents as well! Dino's like I'll see your next patient cause you're wrapping the gifts...I did an awesome wrapping job I must say....and he did a good job picking out presents: shoes, matching purse, and belt...and they are all cute, he had a little help from the sales attendant but he did come up with his own theme..."I want her to look hot, even hotter than she already is...yup she's gonna look so hot in these shoes!"...I know adorable!

Today he told me the story of how he proposed...he was dressed as an elf, came to see her at school yadda yadda yadda ring hidden in a Movado box under lots of candy in a giant stocking...3rd graders yelling "Dino's getting marweed".

Anyway, as he left work today he said "okay I'm going home to romance my hot wife." ... and all I could think of was, I hope one day some guy is leaving his job saying to co-workers "I going home to romance my hot wife"...that would be fantastic!